Tuesday, July 19, 2016

What's up with these bull shit "What NOT to wear past age 30" articles?

I am notoriously not a fan of being 32. And even less thrilled about my impending 33rd birthday come end of next month. Everyone who's older than me feels the need to balk about my lack of enthusiasm on being in my 30s....meanwhile anyone who's 20 feels the need to pity my current status, as if I've come down with a bout of West Nile or something.

"What are you talking about?? 30! You're young! You're a baby!"

"30! Oh come on! I loved my 30s. Best years."

"You don't even look 30 so who cares?" 

These statements are usually accompanied by a healthy dose of side-eye.

I'm not saying I don't appreciate all the knowledge I've managed to amass in my 32 years. I'm okay with being in this 3rd decade of my journey. Other than my ass not being anywhere near as cute and perky as it was when I was 20 [or the fine lines creepin' in around my eyes when I dare to enjoy life] 32 isn't the worst.

I suppose my cynicism can be attributed in part to being divorced and having 0 children. I mean, I have a child. He's got 4 legs, he's hairy, he's about 80 years old and definitely needy as can be. Human kiddies? Still a viable option that remains yet to be seen...

Anyway, my point is that we 30-somethings have enough bull shit to worry about to then have to deal with "What not to wear past your prime" articles.

Lately, I can't help it. These silly reads keep popping up, almost always annoying me when one catches my attention as I mindlessly scroll through my feeds. 

Have you ever actually invested any time reading any of these articles? I mean you'd think that turning 30 was a damn death sentence. Hi. I'm 32. And according to some reads, I've already got one foot in the grave. Which is exactly what you'd believe if you actually adhered to any of the silly wardrobe rules strange people have put out there.

Here are some shining examples:

- "There are certain shoe styles completely inappropriate for women in their 30s to wear; saddle shoes and flat Mary Janes fall on the list. They just look a bit immature and creepy on women past a certain age." - excerpt from WhoWhatWear.com's "25 Items You Definitely Need To Toss By Age 30"

According to WWW these styles are "little girl shoes"....guess they haven't seen my Brian Atwood Mary Janes....

Saddle shoes? WHO have you ever even seen wearing saddle shoes other than 6 year olds and equestrians?? Not sure why those are an example.

What offends is the assertion that I look "immature & creepy" wearing my flat Mary Janes? Excuuuuuse me? Mary Janes are probably one of the only flats you can wear at any age because they are classy. Failing to see the "creepy" factor, but thanks WhoWhatWear for that little nugget of utter stupidity.

- "Crop Top. Doesn't matter how much Zumba or Pilates or Yoga you do - if you're over 30, no one who doesn't share a bed with you wants to see your stomach." - excerpt from SheFinds.com's "50 Things You Just Should Not Own If You're Over The Age Of 30"

First of all, ouch! Who writes such nonsense? Crop tops come in different lengths, so slow your roll SheFinds.com...once again, 30 does not = 60. If you work hard or don't (in my case) and you look good, and the outfit is on point, then who the fuck cares?! Crop top it up baby. The ACTUAL un-said rule with crop tops in your 30s, and beyond, is it's all good, just so long as your belly button is covered. So, whatever you pair that crop top with, the bottom should be high-waisted. Because indeed, 20 we are not. 30, chic & fabulous we most certainly are!

- "Overalls. Yes, they were trendy. No, you cannot pull them off." - another gem from the same SheFinds.com article

Let's get one thing straight here. Overalls are overalls. You see babies wearing them on the playground and you see grannies wearing them while they tend to their gardens. Overalls are awesome no matter what. NO, I wouldn't wear them out to dinner Friday night. And NO, I wouldn't wear them to a job interview. But I will tell you where I wear MY overalls: the grocery store, Target, the beach, working outside in my greenhouse, running stupid errands at places where no one gives a damn about my overalls possibly being a so-called fashion faux pas. Get my drift? I think we are fully aware that overalls don't exactly accentuate our best features...but gimme a break? Typically, when MY overalls make a cameo, I can assure you my intention while getting dressed that day was not to impress. 

And the lists go on...I should also not ever go braless, use glittery nail polish, wear graphic tees, sequin pants?? hoop earrings??? 

Holy shit. I may as well join a convent. Because these suggestions sound a whole lot like the uniform rules back when I was in Catholic private school. No thanks.

Here I am in full-on fashion faux-pas mode...crop top + overalls...gasp!


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